2017 was a doozy.
Every year people get on social media and go on and on about how terrible their year was and how they can’t wait on the next one. Usually, I think they’re being overly dramatic. This year, I can kind of understand why.
On Jan 1st, I had the job of my dreams that I somehow managed to score straight out of school, my family’s health was all well, and I had a boyfriend I was pretty smitten with. Somewhere in the third quarter of the previous year I slid in the DMs of a guy that I thought had a nice beard, we struck up a convo, one thing led to another and we were on a first date. For those of you that know me personally, you will know exactly who he is. He has one of the most adorable and boyish grins with a vampire bite – his canines are longer than the rest of his teeth and one of his front teeth is slightly more crooked than the other; and there’s a dimple. I was pleasantly surprised that someone that I thought was that cute, who spent time on the daily in the gym and had a body to show for it could possibly be as sweet and caring as he was. Fast forward to a week before my birthday, he called it quits for exactly the reason I did not want to get into a relationship. To say I was devastated would be an understatement.
Some where in the short space of time we went out with each other I realized that I was in over my head. It took me a few months to tell him this, and a few weeks later it was over. I later found out he realized he was in over his head a lot earlier than I did. There was lots and lots of tears. Heartbreak is no joke. Break ups suck. The subsequent deleting of pictures on social media, having people ask what he got me for my birthday, or enduring people’s questions about if he truly did not cheat on me was disheartening.
That was just the beginning of the downward spiral. Within weeks I got some life altering news that really turned my life upside down (that’s another post for another time). Cue even more tears. For the next few weeks, I probably cried more in that space of time than I did for the 6 previous years I lived in Florida. I called my mom and within days she was in my apartment asking me if I really planned on eating the entire XL Cadbury bar for dinner. Umm… yes. At this point, I was dealing with heartbreak and then all of this added crap and keeping it together some days was a tough feat.
Then Stephanie Ramlogan started sharing some poems of hers. Heartbreak seems like a solitary thing that you experience because it’s just you and this person, and one or both of you will end up hurting but it isn’t a group exercise that you and multiple people share. Stephanie writing about her own heartbreak story made me realize that while our situations were different we were experiencing the same sort of grief. Her poems spoke of infidelity, something I don’t know of in this specific relationship, but some of the feelings she shared were spot on. She shares of memorizing details of the person, sort of like how I know the crookedness of this guy’s teeth, exactly where to find the mole on his nose, or where to find the grey hairs on his head. Or constantly replaying moments together – like him telling one of his childhood friends in my presence that he knew he loved me after a date I humiliated myself on, even before we’d uttered those words to each other – right up until you realize that one day these memories start plaguing you less and less… And finally, I didn’t feel like I was drowning in all of these emotions I had. Someone out there knew and could relate. So when she launched her book The Burning House: I fell in love with a fuckboy I had to snag it and read more.
To be honest, the break up itself wasn’t bad. It was the after math of trying to fix a broken thing that did me in, to a lesser extent not going through the routine we’d developed like phone calls when he landed, and knowing that the things we planned on eventually doing together – like driving somewhere in the mountains for apple pie and hot chocolate – would never happen. It was having people comment on how happy I looked with him or having other people ask me for a valid reason as to why I turned them down when they asked me out and having them tell me this guy had to be a fool (something I couldn’t disagree with but I felt only I was allowed to declare).
So really, if you’ve read this far, just know that whatever heartbreak you’re experiencing, there is someone out there that can most likely identify with some of the feelings you’re experiencing, even with different situations and that you’re not in that heartbroken struggle alone. If you need someone to listen, shoot me an email.
I’m looking forward to 2018 being a million times better than 2017 was. Whatever your 2017 looked like, good or bad, I hope that your 2018 tops it. I hope you achieve all of your goals and stick to your resolutions.
Get Stephanie’s book of poems here in print version or for Kindle. And Stephanie, thanks so much for sharing.